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# You'll Never Turn Thirteen
- URL: https://www.hawtornvrabot.com/youll-never-turn-thirteen/
- Published: 2026-10-14T23:28:07.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-14T23:30:34.000Z
- Description: It’s been over four months since I lost Perry. My daughter still prays for him. I still can’t talk about him without crying.
- Author: Hawtorn V. Rabot
- Tags: poetry, grief, loss

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I try to answer questions I wonder and ask, usually ending with more questions. Poetry, memoir, fiction, essay, rap, politics, analyses - nicheless. I'm just a guy who writes.

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My dog and best friend of twelve years was put down on May 30, 2026.  
It was all so sudden.

I had a difficult summer for several reasons, but the biggest issue was the devastation.

I got Perry at just two months old. I was lonely and alone. He was my company. My support. I lived in that tiny place for so long, and he was my only constant.

It took two months to find it in me to go pick up his remains. I stared at the container every day. Now, I forget it’s there sometimes.

My daughter still prays for him.

I can’t talk about him without crying.

My other dog, Zoe, was not even eight weeks old when I got her at the beginning of COVID. Perry was six. She knew him her whole life.

She wasn’t herself. She still isn’t. She freaks out and runs all over the house when someone gets home, and she tries to cuddle and get in their lap the moment they walk in the door. She wasn’t quite like this with Perry, but she also always had him.

The first time she went to my parents’ house after Perry died, she ran all over it. They would stay at my parents’ house on occasion, and that must have been the last place she thought he might be.

Meanwhile, I’m just sad.

I miss him.

I will republish all the pieces I've written on him already at some point.

For now, here’s my latest poem on Perry. 

**Content warning: pet loss and euthanasia.** 

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/c0/f4/c0f495aa-acfd-4874-a863-dd05d41ad299/content/images/2026/10/20190113_165902-EFFECTS-2-1.jpg)

Perry's favorite was the snow.

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---

> **It's been over four months** 
>  
> **Since I’ve seen you** 
>  
> **Though our final moments** 
>  
> **Stay on replay** 
>  
> **I buried my face in you** 
>  
> **As I wept** 
>  
> **I lay on that floor** 
>  
> **For four hours** 
>  
> **When you were alive** 
>  
> **And after** 
>  
> **I still don’t know** 
>  
> **If the meds they used** 
>  
> **Caused you pain** 
>  
> **They said you “fought it”** 
>  
> **As I hugged you tighter** 
>  
> **And whispered you didn’t need** 
>  
> **To be tough** 
>  
> **That I was okay** 
>  
> **And you did your job** 
>  
> **As my dog** 
>  
> **And best friend** 
>  
> **Then I lost it** 
>  
> **The floor was soaked** 
>  
> **In my tears** 
>  
> **At Zoe’s next vet visit** 
>  
> **I was in the same room** 
>  
> **I stared at the floor** 
>  
> **Stuck** 
>  
> **I’m still stuck** 
>  
> **It was my first birthday without you** 
>  
> **You won’t turn 13** 
>  
> **In a little over a month** 
>  
> **I can barely look** 
>  
> **At your pictures** 
>  
> **Or videos** 
>  
> **I never know what** 
>  
> **To say to my daughter** 
>  
> **The other night** 
>  
> **I said you were watching** 
>  
> **Over us** 
>  
> **Since your love** 
>  
> **Was stronger than any** 
>  
> **And can’t be ended** 
>  
> **In death** 
>  
> **But** 
>  
> **I** 
>  
> **Just** 
>  
> **Miss** 
>  
> **You** 
>  
> **So** 
>  
> **Much** 
>  
> **It** 
>  
> **Hurts**

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