poetry

Bloodhound

I meant every word. I’m still trying to understand how I wounded you.

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I never lied or told you a fib
I only spoke truth, I really did
When I said it, I meant it
Every single word
I felt every moment, every minute, every second
Is, am, will be, and were

I didn’t feel like me
So dreamy, so hopeful
I was… happy?
The first red flag
This wasn’t me
Something was off

All was right and all was well
But it’s me we’re talking about
So what the hell?
As the rest of the pieces
Fell into place
It seemed like some
Were saving face

I thought like someone unlike me
With dreams, love, and nothing missing
The more I tried to buy in
The more it felt misleading
I examined it all
Once, twice, thrice

As the swerve began
I tried to steer
Into the skid
My foot off the gas
But the tires slid
Until I crashed
I spun out on the ground
Took me months to find
Myself at the impound
Still searching through the wreckage
Like a wary bloodhound

Though the rest is blurred
The tape rewinding
Memories obscured
I know it was looming
Had I been lured?
Was I taking a fall?
Stupid, stupid, I fell for it
Yet again, I hit a wall

I tried to fake my biggest smile
My teeth are rotting
From all the wear
I wanted to be right
I needed to be good
But no matter what
I was misunderstood

Heard me call from my pain
Accused me of material gain
Needed to find the air
Get past the scare
Nodding and smiling, I did some more
All while my mind was closing the door

I watch my six
I scout my twelve
I’ve got scanners
At three and nine
The radar and lidar
Inside my mind
I come protected
It’s guaranteed
Don’t even try
To come at me

Of all the people
I knew better, I swear
How is this me?
I wouldn’t have dared

Yet finding the pieces
I now can see
Many factors? Yes.
But it’s all got me.
Past the anger, beyond the wrath
It’s just pain and grief

I never meant to lie to you
I’m always real
Even when it hurts, I’m true
Though I also protect myself
At all costs
And I wounded you

I’m so sorry

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